SASS: Sashia Atwell’s Sophomore Shenanigans

Tips for Getting Your Own Piece of SASS

Hi everybody! Welcome to my new column! I am Macalester College’s newest, sassiest celebrity. Let me know your questions, inquire about life, ask away. Here’s my first question from a female football hater trying to keep her life together during the football season.

Dear Sashia:

I hate football, but I don’t want to mess up my relationship with my boyfriend. How do I survive the playoffs?

Signed: Confused.

Dear Confused:
Football is a grease stain on the tapestry of humanity. However, I will coach you on how not to fumble during the big game. You can endure the mindless violence, Viagra commercials, and four wasted hours. Score big-time with your boyfriend in a post game celebration by following these tips:

1) Be sure to ask what color your boyfriend’s team is wearing. The names and numbers can get so confusing.
2) Offer to mix up some hummus and stir the Ramen noodles when boredom strikes.
3) When your boyfriend shouts, “Yes! We are going to the playoffs!” Nod your head as if he really did play an active part in their success.
4) Be prepared that football time is only trumped by hospital emergency room time.
5) When your boyfriend eats like a snake, i.e. consuming an entire meat lover’s pizza by himself then laying there with a gigantic bulge in his belly—accept it and offer to rub his shoulders.
6) Enjoy the artistry and inspiration of the tattoos sported by football playing millionaires: “If it is to be, it is up to me.” “Strong Willed.” “I’m Me.” ”No struggle, no progress.” And of course the players who have their own portraits and wings inked in.
7) School yourself in the only thing truly interesting about football; the soap operatic details of the player’s lives. The best one to talk about right now is Notre Dame linebacker Mantie Te’o's electronic relationship with the alleged and the allegedly deceased Lennay Kekua. Discuss it with your football fan only during potty breaks. You never want to interrupt the game, or the commercials.
8) Slip team specific lingerie underneath your team sweatshirt to heat things up when your boyfriend finally makes the pass.