It’s a New Bag, Baby: Bras and Boobs

The moment in The Breakfast Club that forever captured the imagination of young women of a certain generation occurred when Claire placed a cylinder of lipstick in her diminutive cleavage and proceeded to successfully coat her lips by simply bending her head.

If there’s room in the bra for a bit of lipstick, there’s space for a lot more, especially as we get older. Once babies are born and a magical age reached – probably around 32 – boobs simply need to be folded into the cups of a bra anyway, leaving plenty of room for accouterments.

Thanks to Claire, we can now picture a life without giant purses of random knick-knacks, instead embracing the freedom of a hands-free, pared-down way to carry what we need for any eventuality.
For those of you who haven’t yet realized the handiness of a good set of knockers in just about any situation, here’s a list. Print it out. Keep it close to your heart.

Running Errands
The hallmark activity of every woman everywhere, running errands requires a focus and tenacity that encourages a hands-free way of life. Forget losing keys or a cell phone in the bottom of a purse that only seems to get larger with time. Simply stash them in a bra, preferably of the sportsing variety, for a close fit and easy reach.

Heading to the Gym
This situation brings complications in the form of sweat and movement. Even though a sports bra can hold a significant amount besides The Ladies, it will get nasty as glistening occurs. The key to this scenario is minimalism – carry only what you absolutely need: ID and keys should do nicely. Then place them to the side until grunting and sweating is done.

Going to the Movies
The cost of simply getting into a movie in a theater these days is enough to turn your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder into a smuggling operation rivaling Prohibition. Grab a bra that gives The Girls a little extra room and store candy and even a sandwich. They might check purses or backpacks before you take your seat and start unloading, but the bra is – understandably and wonderfully – off-limits for prying theater managers.
The additional advantage to this scenario occurs when paired with a v-neck shirt. The amount of movie popcorn that can be collected in cleavage during a movie’s running time can fill a child-size bucket. Just be sure to collect it before standing up once the movie is over, or there will be a trail of popcorn left behind ala Hansel and Gretel. This isn’t a fairy tale.

Goin’ Clubbin’
The obvious advantages here is a place to stash cash, ID and a phone (in order to text, “where u at?”). But one important element often overlooked is a pocket knife, just in case anyone in your party needs to “cut a b*tch.”

At the Casino
There’s nothing like a good game of Texas Hold ‘Em to get the adrenaline pumping, and kicking a purse all night while trying to bluff can be a distraction. Instead, stash the cash in the bra. Whip out the sweaty boob money just when you need to cover a tell or cause a distraction. Works every time.

Thanks in part to Claire from The Breakfast Club, women are discovering that bras aren’t just for supporting the sag. It’s becoming increasingly clear that a hands-free way of life can be ours, as we decide what we can and will carry.

What can this include?

Anything we want.

Kelly Wilson, writing as Dawn Wilson, took the photo for this article in the presence of her oldest son, who is junior high and was promptly horrified. She is an author and stand-up comedian in Portland. You can read more about her latest book, Caskets From Costco, HERE Head over here to see why her husband is Magically Delicious:

Author: Dawn Wilson

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  1. I feel like I’ve found my tribe!! This is fabulous funny! I have a lot to say on the boobs subject–my husband was forced to make my backpack in a 32D, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Thank you for your great writing on a vital subject. ;-D

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