Appleton: Eat the box, discard the contents

FLORDIA –A study published yesterday in the respected publication Scientific America Scientific Findings (SASF) reported that mac –n-cheese packaging really is more nutritious than its contents.

“It’s what we’ve always suspected,” said Fiona Appleton, holding a box of mac with a photograph featuring pasta glistening robustly in a hand-thrown bowl.  “The inks used in this photo actually contain less sodium. Further, I found more reaction-time enhancing vitamins and minerals in the packaging than what was inside the package.” Appleton, author of the study, is best known for her 2004 ground-breaking research in the field of human paper product consumption. This study expands upon that research.

Appleton tested three popular mac-and-cheese brands and one labeled all-natural mac-and-cheese shells. The makers of all of the products had re-branded with pictures of school children to boost seasonal sales. Appleton’s study involved 100 children. Fifty chubby children were given mac prepared according to package directions and a fork. Fifty were given the package, and left to fend for themselves.

The children in the control study who had to eat that crap were listless and fatter at the end of the study. The box-eaters were leaner, meaner, and better at video games, Appleton said.

Asked if she would change her eating habits as a result of her findings, Appleton pointed to the bowl of cardboard cut from a mac-n-cheese box on the table.

“I stand by my research,” she said, dipping one of the squares in her water glass.

“Besides, I think I have a real chance at beating my daughter at Angry Birds if I keep this up.”




Author: Za Za Du Ga Ga Dubois

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