Test your job readiness with the ultimate multiple-choice personality quiz

 Photos by Megan Jamison

1. I would describe myself as:

a) Basically optimistic
b) Somewhat optimistic
c) Neutral
d) I have a small ________ (fill in the blank).

2.  At work I am usually:

a) Mostly positive
b) Somewhat positive
c) Bored to death
d) Mostly bored, but still breathing just enough to get paid

3. Stealing small things at work is:

a) Wrong
b) Right
c) Left
d) Obama is a socialist.

4.  The best way to get ahead at work is:

a) To work hard
b) Spelled s-l-e-e-p-w-i-t-h-y-o-u-r-b-o-s-s
c) To have big breasts
d) To get hard while working (applies only to guys in the porn industry and all other guys sitting in cubicles looking at porn on company time)

5.  If I have an opinion about something:

a) I tell everyone
b) Even if there is a fire in a crowded building and I am the only one who sees it, I tell no one.
c) I tell my imaginary friend, Eyeball, who lives in my purse
d.) Johnny Depp is single again. Yeeesss!

6.  People say I am a leader:

a) Most of the time
b) Never
c) If there are ten people in line, and I am the ninth, then I’m leading one, right?
d) Honey Badger don’t care. Honey Badger don’t give a shit.

7. To be honest I have never:

a) Told the truth
b) Had a legal job in the U.S.
c) Sold anything but my body for drugs
d) Slept with your father. No, really. I haven’t. What did he say to you?

8. When I have a problem with another co-worker I:

a) Try to resolve it with them
b) Ask what the fuck their problem is
c) Why are men so clueless about the G-Spot?
d) Drag their ass outside and kick the shit out of them

9. Why do you want this job?

a) I’m bored at home all day in my mansion, alone with my millions.
b) My other personality wants me to get the hell out of the house so she can have time to herself.
c) What job?
d) I don’t. This is the only way I know to be near you, Hank. Take me back, please?

10. My greatest weakness is:

a) Alcohol
b) Narcotics
c) The Trojan Vibrations Midnight Collection
d) Voting Republican

11. My greatest strength is:

a) Breastfeeding
b) Converting Muslims
c) Pull my finger. You’ll find out.
d) Feigning illness
e) Cheating on personality tests
f) Obama’s health care plan is flawed.
g) Running a cash register.  No, wait…that’s yours.

What your scores mean:

Grab a cup of coffee and settle in for your evaluation. If you have mostly Bs, you are half asleep. If you have one A and all the rest Bs, you are a Leo who likes long walks on the beach. If you have mostly Ds, you will never be hired by anybody, ever. If you have any E, F, or Gs at all, you are Republican and are, no doubt, a little disappointed with this year’s primaries. If you have mostly As, you’re a suck up and will definitely get a job, probably running a cash register somewhere. Good for you, goody two-shoes.

Nine out of ten of the personality tests you fill out in online job applications won’t make you a better person. Ours will.

 

Author: Za Za Du Ga Ga Dubois

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